I was asked the other day by someone if I believed in forgiving someone for their emotional sin again me. After further conversation, it was shown that by that the person meant: forgive and forget.
A quick answer to that is "no," and I didn't come to this conclusion on my own. The example that the person used was is someone shot my dog for no reason. My explanation is this. Forgiveness is a conscious decision not to allow someone else's circumstance or behavior to control or impact your own decision-making anymore. From my point of view, forgiving another person isn't about the other person.
Forgiving is For Getting Freedom from the situation. When I forgive someone else, I benefit from it. I don't believe in Forgive and Forget because it gives the person the opportunity to do the same thing again. Now, this is not a demand for perfection in another person's life. I apply this when enough emotional harm has been caused to me or another person that the culprit cannot ever fix.
Following the example, I would not be able to go to enough therapy to cause my dog to become reanimate after someone murdered it. Forgive and Forget undoes our ethical, legal, and justice system. If a murderer just apologizes, should society let him or walk off of death row? Probably not. If Charles Manson just says sorry, does he get out of prison? No. Does it mean that the people whom have been harmed in domestic violence, sexual assault, and hate crime just need to get over it if the abuser apologizes? No. Damage still exists.
Forgive and Forget causes the cycle to continue. Forgiveness doesn't mean that the person isn't held accountable. At the same time, there are levels to what people do to other people. If someone shoots my dog, I will press every charge I can against that person as a citizen of this country. If someone sends me "too many" emails that I start having to consider whether or not there's a much bigger problem, then I just put a check mark by them and delete them. I don't delete the person. I certainly don't think that sexual touching as a form of discipline for it is ethical or Godly. Some people think it is okay to punish people legally in order to publicly completely emasculate and sexually humiliate others and make a show out of it for the rest of the people in a group. Essentially, if I am a leader and I can humiliate someone in order to flex my leadership power then I am really doing it to 1) intimidate others, 2) feel powerful, and 3) set the example for others to follow. The fastest way to do that is to demean that person through a humiliating situation in front of something like a church congregation.
People get into battles of power and control when they have to have it for themselves. I don't believe in forced public confession because some people are out to humiliate others through it. Some people would argue that when someone is in a community that the whole community is privy to that person's whole life. I don't. I spent about 15 years of my life in therapy for 1) learning how to live in an extroverted world, 2) repairing my life from the damage that had been caused in it, 3) sorting out boundaries with my birth family, and 4) learning to compartmentalize parts of my life. I am pro-therapy for everyone. Finding the right one is the difficult part.
For about 8-10 years of that, I was retrained through Gestalt Therapy and spiritual direction. This is what causes me to have this boundary that my family doesn't understand. Forgive and Forget doesn't work in Gestalt Therapy or in actual repentance. More people, I am convinced, commit sin against themselves more than other people. Every person has the responsibility to forgive other people, but every person needs to learn how to forgive themselves first for the harm they have done to themselves. It's impossible to learn to forgive others without self-forgiveness. That means things like: If I am an alcoholic, then I forgive myself for my higher risk of cirrhosis of the liver AND stop placing myself at risk. Another example: getting divorced from someone whom refuses to stop having unprotected sex with other people.
If I don't have a boundary, then that person won't. It usually means that the person demanding his or her own way in my life says "Forgive and Forget because you are just holding a grudge." Then, someone usually says that I have to learn how to respect my parents, colleagues, students, or church leader whom needs everything to revolve around that person. Boundaries are not disrespectful. Our society thinks that they are.
I believe in Forgive and For Get, but I don't believe in Forgive and Forget by any stretch of the imagination. When I forgive, I also create a new place for a new boundary. If I want to choose to live life, then I have to choose to live my life and not someone else's life. I have to choose to be me and be content with me first. So, when I find that I need freedom someone or something, I forgive and choose whether to stay or walk away.
This is yet another place where grace and the law have to find equilibrium in a person's life.
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