I am entering my fifth year after surviving serious crime which has been proven; although, people seem not to even want accept the fact that my reality is reality. I have worked with all kinds of advocates, doctors, pastors, and faith communities in order to raise myself back up from the issues in my life caused by other people. The number one thing that has astounded me concerning the treatment that I have received because I actually tried to get help from the system is that they don't believe that their own work is worth asking questions to adequately complete. The system is broken due to a lack of critical thinking.
From the Episcopal Church to advocacy centers to the legal system, I have encountered more problems than anything else. The main two questions that people seem to really be asking is 1) How can I reduce my liability in this situation? and 2) What do I get out of helping you? It seems to me that people have spent more time covering themselves for their own liabilities and trying to fight their own causes that they have been unable to find my humanity beyond themselves. At this point, I have been so processed by the system where I live that people can no longer hear my voice as they are so busy trying to place me into their understanding of what whatever box or label that they need me to be for them.
I am going to make myself blatantly clear. What I have survived which is a religiously targeted hate crime whether the Episcopal Church or even the judicial system wants to accept it, it is not a women's issue due to one kind of crime involved in it. It's a human issue. It seems to me that more people than ever before in my life are concerned with making sure that I revert back into being the nice young woman that they want.
I am going to make probably a heretical statement by writing that I don't believe in Women's Studies. I don't accept that there is one issue on the planet that is strictly a women's issue because women are a part of humanity. Again, I don't believe in women's studies as a complete separation unto itself. Women's Studies by itself is segregation. It's as though women would need a play group or conversation group because their thoughts are not as valuable as ours. I am not now nor will I ever be a part of any women's groups. I also believe that groups that are segregated by the sexes fail to grasp the humanity of the people involved in them. It has only been since I have been more vocal about one event in my life that people have even questioned my gender identity and life as a result of being assaulted. The mere idea that someone would want me to choose to base my life on one event is ridiculous.
I have also never actively chosen to officially join another faith community other than an Episcopal Church. The Diocese of the Rio Grande is living as backwards and as exclusionary as they possible can when it came to actually listening to me. They were out to protect themselves. Ultimately, they want to protect themselves instead of actually listening to me. They are taught to get rid of people instead of helping them.
Every single part of my life has been questioned by people whom I am, apparently, supposed to understand as having good intentions. It seems to me that when people have good intentions for me that they actually listen to what I have to say instead of being exclusionary of me based on their own need to protect themselves. Essentially, when people don't ask others questions, then they can say "you didn't tell me" which really means "not my fault," or "I saw when...," or "But I thought," or "But friend said."
I have tried to keep my faith in God and humanity throughout the past five years. I can't help but notice that the advocacy centers in the north would help me without trying to revert me back into being the cisgendered woman that they wanted everyone to be. The ones in the south were afraid of men and decided that I was just identifying with the assailant. It is astounding to me that people in recovery systems for those whom have survived crimes would be more focused on people's clothes than the rest of society.
It's ridiculous to me that people have tried to do everything to include deciding a new religion for me based on their own understanding of an outfit. I find the fact that when people are taught that they are sheep that they don't ever understand that they are being taught to be mindless. It is those same people who, when they found out that I already had a graduate degree, decided that there was no way to really help me. The answer for a lot of people is don't talk about it and if you have an education that you are then supposed to have some kind of magic wall that protects you from crime. The very people working the systems to help others recover from crime don't understand that it is about how people use power.
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