My understanding of forgiveness has been highly influenced by the several different people and sources. Instead of people in this entry, the sources seem to be more influential in my life. The two sources that have influenced my understanding of forgiveness and choice are Scripture and 12 Step programs.
First, my participation in 12 step programs was voluntary and because people convinced me that it was something that I was in need of at the times when I was a part of them. I fully participated, and several specialists who actually listened to me removed all of the question about whether or not I was addicted to anything that I may have been doing. Having stated that, I believe that in some way, everyone is an addict. It is in human nature to be addicts. Addictions that take over a person's life are very real, and lots of people with them need others to admit that they have the same problem even if they don't have the issue. To me, at this point, 12 step groups fall into two categories: cult groups cells or critical thinking small groups. They discuss spiritual and topics while claiming not to be religious. Unfortunately, they are religious as they have a means through which people break addictions, and ultimately, accept a High Power, God, or something out there greater than themselves.
The number one thing that I learned in the 12 step programs was the phrase "God of your own understanding." This concept caused me to begin searching for exactly that. The other things I learned from the meetings and programs is the phrase "As if." These two things were specifically important to me because I was 1) earning my original religion degree at the time and 2) deciding how I was going to live my life by my own values like everyone else in their early twenties. I DO NOT believe or accept the concept of "As if." If someone is doing something as if it matters, then it is an admission that the activity doesn't matter. I am more from the Yoda philosophy of "Do or do not. There is no try," as taught in my middle school band room. Well, every band room I have ever been in.
Having a Higher Power or God of my own understanding changed my entire life. One of the main things that I live from that experience is that I do not need to run around forgiving people for what they do to me, and I don't need to accept what other people want me to do because they want me to do it. The critical thinking involved in the 12 step programs comes from knowing AND using a person's knowledge and education. The role of a sponsor is one of a guide and not someone who sets the goals for another person. The importance of critical thinking is in knowing what you know and what you don't know.
Because I have a God of my own understanding and a relationship with that God, I know that I am NOT God. Scripture definitely informs the reader that I am NOT God. Even for God, blasphemy against the Holy Spirit is unforgivable. Now, I am not worried that I or anyone else has committed this sin because if you are concerned that you have then you haven't. The point for me in Mark 3:29 is that there are sins that even God doesn't forgive. Since I am NOT God, then I don't expect that I will be able to forgive everything that people do to me, and I don't expect other people to do that for me either. I don't expect people to live in the same relationships for their entire lives.
Forgiving someone is a choice as is holding it against the person. I don't believe that it is my position, role, or personal expectation of myself to forgive other people, especially to convert them to my point of view. I just don't. I did for part of my life and decided that living that way was killing me. I lowered my expectation myself and relied more on scripture that people are only the vessels for God. We are the hands and feet of God in the world. We are not the means or have the power to forgive people or to convert them to believe anything. This is God's work and not man's work.
The only real choice for me is to create the boundaries that I need in my life. This doesn't mean that I love people less, am not living in community with others, or that I am not a forgiving person who cannot be trusted. This means that I spend time evaluating the situation and make an active choice based on my education and knowledge of what I know and don't know.
Since the majority of people I know in the 12 step programs do not use power effectively, which I have studied and gained degrees in over the past 20 years, I do not recommend them to people. If knowledge is the point, then read the literature and make your own decisions about addictions and other manifestations of the 12 step programs; however, the understanding of the literature has to be placed into a historical context. Powerlessness doesn't mean choicelessness.
God is a giver of choice. This choice is for each individual alone and cannot be genuinely coerced in any way. What is the choice? Freedom and not forgiveness.
Be free.
